At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva