A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I’m calling the cops.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”