She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.