Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
You Might Also Like
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*has no idea what a book even is*
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!