Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
What kind of a cult is this?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.