I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.