My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Breaking news:
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car