I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
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For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I wish this was real life…
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
What do you hear?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.