I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…