You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
You Might Also Like
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.