When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My god she’s good.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
do horses think humans are hats
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Does beer think about me too?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.