Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
The old gods are rising again.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too