At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.