Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
That’s easy for you to say
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.