On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house