me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Breaking news:
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it