Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
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Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Merica.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”