Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
You Might Also Like
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Did I do this right
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.