an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Banana is the quietest snack
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra