No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.