One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.