abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.