Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
You Might Also Like
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”