Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Brb my Sims are getting married
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats