*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Always…
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.