I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off