Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
this is how life feels
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.