How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”