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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
#Caturday
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911