I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
You Might Also Like
socratic questions
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Butt weight. There’s more!
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”