Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
You Might Also Like
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich