*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
You Might Also Like
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
i can’t wait that long
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.