me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“Ninja please” -Japanese people