Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.