lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore