I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM