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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Oh yeah that’s it
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first