Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”