The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.