DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
You Might Also Like
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
lol
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!