I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I forgot how to panic. Help
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good