If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding