Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
A dad and his duck
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
i can’t wait that long
Midwest trash talk
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Personal question. #JustSaying
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good