I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle