Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.