#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I have written yet another poem about laundry