you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.