My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.