I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
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boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.