My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You Might Also Like
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
new career option?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.